the thorp taxonomy

[bookofholsety]

this was originally going to be a semi-serious post about nyx but then i realised nobody gives a shit

when it comes to the discourse concerning fe13 and fe14, there is much to be said about the genus sallya and the impact these species have had on their ecosystems. tragically, much of this goes unsaid due to everybody being occupied by the, ahem, low-hanging fruit these subjects present. this muddies the waters and removes the possibility of having sensible discussions about the place these unusual creatures hold in our ecosystem, so for the good of the academic community, the leading scholars on this genus based at thorp academy have assembled a comprehensive overview of their traits, their similarities, and their hypothesised course of evolution



Sallya mater



the first known member of the genus, popularly known as the "thorp", which first evolved to its present state around the year 2012 in the middle of a desert.  the key features of all subsequent members of the genus are clearly exhibited here: vindictive yandere traits, obsession with gary-stus, angry glare, coat of head-fur which has curiously evolved to end with a set of precisely flat bangs, generic idealised humanoid female form, practitioner of curses which is eager to use its magic to torture its offspring.  it is prized in some circles for its anatomy, described by some as "boingy" (n. nowi, 2013), and it appears ancient cultures treated it as worthy of worship, judging from the hundreds of statuettes depicting its form which have been excavated from sites across eastern asia and even beyond

S. paenitentia



a direct descendant of S. mater, which first evolved in recent years. this subspecies shows signs of attempting to evolve past certain traits of its forebear, having lost the nasty disposition and adopted a desire to make up for its former behaviour, along with the appearance of unusual head markings and spikes everywhere from its mane to its "attire", which somehow seems even more likely to injure members of the species than even that of S. mater. some attest that this subspecies resembles an adult trapped in the body of a child, (I. Systems, 2015) but it is uncertain how reliable this is since after presenting these findings, the researchers involved promptly started rubbing a specimen with a nintendo 3ds stylus

S. cashcowia



little to no information exists on this rare subspecies as of yet. the only record that this species ever existed is an odd set of pictographic tablets found in an excavated basement, whose contents shed little light on this species beyond its appearance. these images suggest that it exists only because the genus sallya took one look at the bible and proceeded to take the line "be fruitful and multiply" very seriously. they were fruitful. they multiplied. this is the result. some researchers have thus dubbed it the "thorp mk.2", although some believe it could be descended from a different subspecies of the genus sallya instead; due to the colour of its voluminious fur, some believe it to be descended from S. filia, the only other subspecies to exhibit such a mutation

S. filia



at first glance, one would mistake S. filia - known informally in some circles as the "shorp" - as an exact match for its ancestor, S. mater, but obviously they are completely different because a) S. filia has different hair colours, b) its name isn't actually S. mater, and c) we don't know enough about it yet because all we've seen of it in action is all of its interactions with other creatures inhabiting its domain. see? completely different! compared to its forebears, S. filia has adapted to its environment by evolving a remarkable form of camouflage: it disguises itself as a positive step forward in lgbt representation, allowing it to move through its habitat and capture its prey while efficiently shrugging off attacks from the genus's traditional mortal enemies

other subspecies

some believe that descendants of this genus have gone on to inflitrate human society and even be revered as sports heroes, but the majority of the scientific community is reluctant to accept reports scribbled on tinfoil hats

i'm so sorry that i think i'm funny

Comments

[amielleon]

I am deeply disappointed to find no discussion of S. soror. Despite the different coloration and seasonal patterns of activity present in this species, we find essential physiological and behavioral similarities that suggest a close evolutionary relationship. For example, S. soror are also drawn toward Gary Stus in a similar fashion, and are known to have similar "boingy" features (prominently discussed in Intelligent Systems 2015). One might argue that essential differences in disposition and ecological role would suggest otherwise, but I believe that this merely indicates some hybridization has taken place.

[bookofholsety]

an insightful observation! how could it possibly slip my mind? after all, i recently read a wonderful treatise which proposed that S. soror is the failed product of the hybridisation of S. mater with a Minerva thraci (Asphodel 2015*). aside from the obvious superficial indications such as the unstable combination of traditional "boingy" anatomy with a protective shell and the remarkable domestication of wild lizards for use as beasts of burden - which of course are traits S. soror could have inherited from any member of the genus Minerva, with the obvious candidate being the subspecies native to S. mater's habitat, M. christmascaki - it appears that S. soror specifically inherited M. thraci's affinity for sibling relationship-related drama, which seems to have integrated itself into traditional Sallya behaviour in an unusually volatile manner

*i don't remember if mark ever actually commented on something in this ballpark but i know SOMEBODY did :P

[amielleon]

I believe the thesis of Asphodel 2015 was that Garystu destinus shared some features with Minerva thraci by way of convergent evolution in similar biomes. Were we to take the proposal seriously*, it seems difficult to find a counterpart to S. soror in Minerva thraci's habitat, as the role played by Michaelis thraci could not be more different (although Camus frater is comparable). Indeed, if we look to M. mater we find that its predator Michaelis pater, and Maria mater with which it has symbiosis, have similar counterparts in the Fates biosphere with Camus frater and Maria soror. Perhaps the reason S. soror strongly expresses so many traditional Sallya traits, to the exclusion of any other noteworthy features, is in fact due to the lack of evolutionary pressure to fill a niche in the biosphere.

* It is worth noting that Asphodel 2015 was a speculative work done when the Fates region had not yet been made accessible to man, and the Garystu destinus had been mentioned only in passing accounts and occasional blurry photographs. Ever since we have acquired a greater understanding of the Fates ecosystem, it has become apparent that the thesis was misguided--although it was quite a clever proposal for its time.

[mark_asphodel]

I am rolling on the floor over this, you guys.

[bookofholsety]

rolling

S. mater rolipoli



a domesticated breed of the S. mater that's been selectively bred over the generations to maximimise the, and i quote, "boingy" properties. the anatomy of this breed has become so grossly disproportionate that it's now much more efficient for it to get around by using these traits to roll and bounce. this isn't what the breeders were after, but they're too busy masturbating over the "boingy bits" to particularly care